What have I done
I hurt myself again
Sacrificed that I said my
For those who said me theirs.

Dreamt for exilir all my life,
And when I got
I lost the reason to live.
In this pain of glory,
I wore the throne of thorns.
Fearless I walk the dark,
With no love for self.

I close my eyes again
To go back in time
See her angelic face
Feel her soothing smile
The touch that eased the pain
And I knew she was my

What have I done
I hurt myself again
And as I stand alone,
Watch her walk away.
Does she even know,
That I still love her like before.
I still remember the time,
When she stood crying on my door.
My heart ached then
And it bleeds now.


I was told time will heal it all
But there is no end to the pain
What have I become
All I feel is -numb
I call the tears to fall
But they too keep away
What have I done
I loathe myself again
I found the reason to live
Now am burning in my flame.

They say it killsI say it makes me live
When there is no hope
The orange light
Gives me the scope

Friends left me
Loved ones deserted me
Life crashed into pieces
And I couldn’t find the adhesives

Then came the light
And I saw the life
Through the haze of smoke
Through the scent that
For once didn’t make me choke

As I kiss it
I suck the life within
I feel the elixir of life
Make rounds in my lungs

It’s been with me
Through my highs and lows
Through my happiness
Through my sorrows
Through the tears
Of both joy and sorrow

It’s been a friend
That no one could be
It gave me life
And will give me eternity..

I call it the philosopher’s stoneThat turned my metallic life to gold
Burning down the memories
With charcoal of miseries.

De-seeding the agony
From this mind,
Refining the delusions
From these sadist eyes,
Rolling down the memory lanes
It looked like
The elixir of life,
That made its way
Through heaven and hell.


Changing visions
Every time
Floating memories
Came in front of eyes
Minutes looked like hours
And hours seemed eternity
Body felt numb
And I desired to fly
Finally my wish
Got an alibi

World looked so small
Emotions even smaller
Love and hate couldn’t be seen
It was an ephemeral beauty.
The light around
Got brighter
As I went a little higher

Finally the blanket of darkness
Was taken over by the light
It was the moment
That finally made me smile
The pain
Seemed like a bliss
And the curse
Of knowledge
Was finally abolished…..

I read somewhere that our mind is divided in conscious , subconscious and super conscious mind. The the subconscious mind is like a hard drive of your life and stores everything, only to bring it out when you are asleep in form of dreams or when you are drunk...yes that"s where it all began.  Last weekend I happened to go for sky diving and such was the experience that it creeped through me for the rest of the week. I thought that was the best thing that happened to me since my break-up.  So last week I kept thinking about the sky diving and weightlessness etc etc etc. Lets hold that right there and change frames for a moment.

Last Friday, finally I decided to get out of my shell and go clubbing with my colleagues. I told myself what the hell, I need to drink for happy or no reasons. I need to dance and above all I need to look at other beautiful women. So I go to the club with my colleagues, get drunk, actually, being drunk would be an understatement. As per my plan I got drunk for the happy or no reasons, danced all the way through the night and had a blast. I was so drunk that I had problems walking through the ever crooked streets of San Francisco. Now comes the finale. Getting back to the sub conscious mind, which suddenly trigged a desire to sky dive when I was standing in the parking lot waiting for the valet and with a group of best looking women i saw that night standing right next to me. Right at that very moment, I felt elated and wanted to fly. Right at that moment when the whole world was lookin at me, I strteched my arms to embrace the clouds in my arms. Right at that moment I jumped only to realize that I just fell face flat in the parking lot much to the amusement of my spectators after the freak show.

I actually ended up feelin like David Blaine, I had my audience running away, standing and watching amused and stunned and yes I did attract some curious onlookers walk upto me to check out on the freak who just fell face front.

She wore an orange shirt
And a pair of denim jeans
She looked as beautiful
As she had always been
She carried the baggage
Of my love
And memories
Didn’t know what to say
When she was going to leave..

She stood by the airport
Waiving at me
Her eyes said she loves me
And I thought I would cry
Couldn’t hold back the tears
But they don’t listen to me
Keep coming and again
As if it’s nothing
More than monsoon rains…


She held my hand
And I felt the warmth
Flowing through my veins
Or was it love
This was insane
Her eyes shone like twilight
Or was she crying
Couldn’t make the difference
‘Coz she’s beautiful to me

She stood by the airport
Waiving to me
Boy, was I dying
Or was it just a fantasy
It can’t be for real
I must be dreaming

Came home that night
Couldn’t believe it happened
With so much speed
I knew she was going
But couldn’t face the reality
Next morn I woke up
Waited for her to beep
To say, shantanu
Breakfast, ready??
The call never came
As she was gone
And I knew it for sure
I got up from my bed
Love struck with memories..

Saint turned a sinner
To win the world
He gambled himself
And lost it all
Lost his mind
And faith in all
As he fell
Through the hell
Learnt the lessons
That god couldn’t tell
Then came a time
When he was alone
He looked around
Saw the darkness profound


Saint turned an animal
In this mortal world
But still not a human
To see it all
Didn’t know the reasons
For treason and hate
Couldn’t find the answers
That maligned his fate

Saint turned a child
Loving one and all
Couldn’t see the lies
Lingering tall
Learnt all the hatred
Felt the cold
In slithering darkness
When he had to fall

Saint went to god
And asked the reason
For treachery treason
They said...
“You flew enough,
now time to crawl”

Got a buzz early morn
Dreamy…I picked the phone
A subtle noise
That never occurred
So alien… So providential

I said “who’s this? “
He said...This is god
Want to talk to you
Can I have a while?
I said... no I am busy;
I need you friend
Was his call...

This must be crazy
Or just a dream
Can’t be real
As god is no being

The voice was no ordinary
It was excruciate
I asked ‘what’s wrong”
He said “I am in pain”
God in pain?
And what went next
Changed my life’s text

He said it pains
To see you cry
Fight and live in wry
He said it pains
To see the world
So beautiful destroy

I said.
Its you who gives us pain and anxiety
Its you who tests us with brutality
Its you who finds joy in suffering
Its you who dictated all the doctrine


I felt a quiver across the phone
Was god crying?

Or am I still dreaming
He said
My child you got it wrong
I am your father,
So how can I walk you through thorn?

I test you son
By the units of time
I teach you lessons
Right and wrong
You run for things
That you see
Forget the universe
Beyond your reach

You seek the light
That your eyes perceive
Where’s the light
That your mind sees

Pain is the lesson
That makes you learn
Gives you the strength
To keep moving on
With every wound
You go strong
With every blood
You know what is wrong

I was bewildered
With what he said
Some made sense
Some didn’t
What god thinks
I don’t know
But it changed my world
That’s for sure

I was a believer
Believed in everything
Till I found
I had I had lost belief in me
Now tht he has failed me
Where must I go
Maybe to devil
To avenge his foe

He gave me pain
He gave me agony
He promised me peace
With sanctity
I didn’t want money
I didn’t want fame
I cried fr death
Bt all in vain

He doesn’t love me
And devil doesn’t care fr me
Where must I go
Is all I want to know

I am a sinner
Done worst of all
I made tears
Made them fall
I am still searchin
Fr peace and sanctity
Where is love
Wat is reality
And now tht I am down
Into the dust
All I want is
Six feet linen
And fire of death………

ever asked the future
the reason for past
ever asked the present
till when will it last

ever asked the trees
the reason they r green
ever asked the angels
y they cant be seen
ever asked the birds
y they take the southern skies
ever asked the mind
when will it rest
ever asked the soul
y does it desire
ever asked the body
y uts always on fire

this body is a shell
that cant resist temptation
this heart is a child
tht seeks love and protection
this soul is a saint
tht seeks love and devotion
be it love
or be it protection
all thtis true
they lead to incanation

ever asked the darkness
y it falls at night
ever asked the sun
y it shines so bright
there was a man
who died last night
ever asked him........
how was yur journey tonite

mysteries of life
r mysterious than girl
i stand at the junction
of two roads and a hole
one goes to heaven
the other goes to hell
never asked myself
which way shud i go
............................

often times, i remember a saying, that nobody is perfect. that leads me to another thought that no country is perfect, the people living in make it perfect. after wrapping two prominent cases, many of us got our faiths back in the judicial system. but is it perfect, i beg to differ. remember satyendra dubey??? we the people always tend to take our inspiration from movies, inspired to date, inspired to mate and inspired to kill. this time we were inspired by "gandhigiri" and silent protests with candles. sometimes it worked, other times it didn't. what makes me wonder is, that if we got inspired by the candle light marches, how come we didn't get inspired by the act of putting a bullet in the head. maybe because we the people like to act in groups after all we are social animals with "strong" moral fibers.
that brings me to my second thought, social security specially towards women. every time there is a case of harassment, i read all kind of rave reviews. what really fascinates is that we the people have developed this unique attitude of shifting blames, and feel less guilty about ourselves. after all how can we sleep with guilt, but yes what's even more admirable is to get the sadistic pleasure watching people in vain. i wonder how can we live so peacefully when 24X7 news channels flood with information in much more detail than its required.
oops i forgot, why should we bother, our sisters and daughters are safely at home, so am i. to hell with the rest. now my favorite part, we the boasting people. 2005 Bombay flood, my e-mail was spammed with "real" life incidences, that would make me feel more patriotic than watching legend of bhagat singh. 2006 Bombay train blasts, same story. with all due respect, i haven't got a single mail on the story how mumbaikars, went on to save the poor woman being torn into pieces. hey, we the people get our cheap thrills with this.
everyday someone's modesty is outraged. everyday some one is harassed. everyday some one is killed. but we the people want to know if abhishek bachhan and aishwarya rai are getting married. 25 years i have been hearing India is on the verge of becoming a super power. no bombs, no guns, no industry can make a country a super power. its we the people. i think we can forget Gandhi for once, and pick the weapons that got us freedom, and believe me it was not satyagrah.